Some Americans are less than happy about their choices in the November presidential election.
Lefty progressives are hot as a tofu casserole about President Obama and his drone warfare killing terrorists and the occasional U.S. citizen, how not one Wall Street bonus baby has been prosecuted for attempted murder of the global economy, and how the president has failed to sign up for a personal medical marijuana card. Liberal, my third eye!

Righty conservatives are hotter than a Glock barrel after a righteous shoot about Gov. Mitt Romney and his reticence to condemn health care reform as the handiwork of the Devil, his waffling on building a border fence to the stars, and his stiff, patrician manners that prevent him from flaying bumbling staffers, stomping their butts and throwing them under the bus. Constitutional conservative, give me a Fox News break!
But as a student of American history, I look forward to the November race with giddy enthusiasm.

In 2008, Americans elected — though some dead-enders continue to believe the defunct, but omnipotent group ACORN staged a coup — the first black president in the nation's history, ushering in a golden age of post-racial cooperation when the slightest mention of race immediately became utterly passé.

If President Obama is re-elected, we surely will enter a platinum age of post-post racial relations, when even the Rev. Al Sharpton and Sean Hannity will find common ground and, maybe, start a Friday night bowling team together.

Of course, if Romney is elected, history will be made, too.
Not because he would be the country's first Mormon chief executive. His discussions of faith in the campaign have been so general that it wouldn't surprise me if a good share of his countrymen are confused about Romney's spiritual life.

After all, a third of Republicans, in a recent poll, professed that Obama is a Muslim. An equal share of the polity may see Romney as a Hindu. Those stiff dress shirts he wears without a tie, when pressing the flesh, look suspiciously like Nehru collar shirts.

Religion aside, if Romney becomes president, he will become the first resident of the White House with overseas bank accounts and investment funds in Switzerland, Bermuda, the Cayman Islands and, possibly, Treasure Island and Fantasy Island.

Now, Newt Gingrich got all grumpy about this back in the primary race, and Impudently — that's the name of Newt's favorite cologne — asked Romney why the president of the United States would need a Swiss bank account.

Romney didn't have to answer, because in Republican circles, it is apostasy to question anyone about what they do with their money — as long as it's not to pay exorbitant (any) taxes.

The answer to Newt's impolite question is simple.

There are two reasons to park hundreds of millions of dollars in Swiss bank accounts and offshore tax havens. First, to keep nosy people from nosing around your money, and second, to keep your taxes as low as possible.

Now, some bumbling rustics like Warren Buffet say there are perfectly good banks right here in the USA in which to park a few billion dollars. What demagoguery!

Romney is running to be president on the perfectly sensible notion that his business acumen makes him the best choice to turn around a moribund economy and make America, once again, the exceptional country where everyone has the opportunity to make a fortune and ship his or her money overseas. It would be morning again — in the Cayman Islands.

If Romney gave the American people abundant evidence of his business genius by releasing 10 more years of his tax returns, then we would surely all be swept away by the breadth and scope of his money-making artistry.

But, shucks, Romney doesn't want to show off, like some fellow in Washington, D.C. who thinks he can sing like Al Green. One set of tax returns and next year's estimate, he knows, is all we need to see.

After all, the bond between a president and his people is like the relationship between a mega-depositor and his Swiss banker. It's built on blind trust, secrecy and the knowledge that earned interest made in America doesn't necessarily stay in America, unless you're a chump who doesn't understand that minimizing one's tax liability is what makes this country great.

This is history in the making. Bank on it, preferably in Zurich.


Larry Parsons is a Herald reporter